The Justice Department said it would not proceed with charges of unlawful entry against staff members from “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” who were arrested at a Capitol building last month.
“He is super smart, definitely, but he admits that he also loves dumb jokes, so we don’t know how this could turn out,” Trevor Noah said of the Tesla C.E.O.
Prosecutors recovered 18 devices during their current investigation into Trump’s former lawyer. “Eighteen devices? Man, that’s a lot of porn,” Stephen Colbert said.
“Our ex-president isn’t allowed a do-over just because he didn’t like the result the first time. That’s how you get an Eric,” Colbert joked.
“Come on, he’s a con man. And so is Dr. Oz,” Colbert joked of the former president.
Kimmel said of Greene’s angry tweets about a joke he made earlier this week: “She’s a snowflake and a sociopath at the same time — a ‘snowciopath.’”
Stephen Colbert joked that he hoped “they locked the doors to keep him in.”
“Trump endorsing Palin is like paste eating endorsing glue sniffing,” Kimmel joked.
“Of course they’re afraid to be honest,” Stephen Colbert said. “No matter what you say to a psychotic boss, you lose.”
“It’s generally frowned upon for U.S. presidents, current or former, to solicit our murderous mortal enemies for dirt on their political rivals,” Colbert said.
“The only time there should be a seven-hour gap is when you’re trying to remember what happened on St. Patrick’s Day,” Jimmy Fallon said.
“It was so shocking,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “The only thing I can really compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ears.”
Ukraine’s president must have researched American history before his speech, said Noah (who speculated about how it “could have gone very wrong”).
Noah joked that Brady’s leaving the N.F.L. was like Charlie Sheen’s leaving “Two and a Half Men”: “Yeah, there were still two and a half men but which men? Not men we cared about.”
“Yesterday, Coca-Cola and Pepsi announced that they will suspend business in Russia. Your move, Shasta!” Colbert said.
“Gas prices are so high, the Indy 500 was just changed to the Indy 5,” Fallon joked.
Meyers said Florida’s governor was like “an old man who sees a bunch of innocent teens walking by and screams, ‘Hey, you kids get on my lawn!’”
“Many lawmakers wore the colors of the Ukrainian flag, blue and yellow,” Colbert said. “It’s a show of solidarity not seen since the last ‘Minions’ movie.”
If bringing back the Soviet Union is Putin’s goal, the “Daily Show” host joked, long lines are a good start.
Hosts did their best to bring levity to their shows on an otherwise somber day.
Meyers joked that Trump “narrates Putin’s every move like he is Tony Romo calling the last drive of a playoff game.”
Colbert said Putin sought to keep the peace, and imitated Russia’s president: “I keep this piece of Ukraine. I keep that piece of Ukraine. I keep all the pieces of Ukraine.”
Noah said Russia has been preparing to play chess while Americans “love dumb games now,” poking fun at a preference for Wordle.
A collective that blazed a trail with corporate hoaxes occupies an uneasy space between art and activism.
“Only Donald Trump would defend himself against charges that he overvalued his assets by re-overvaluing his assets,” Kimmel said.
“It’s like getting divorced on Christmas Eve,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.
“Hey, don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here doing my thang — a long monologue,” Colbert joked.
Jimmy Kimmel joked that only Giuliani would attempt to overthrow the government “and then try to rehabilitate his image by singing ‘Shake Your Groove Thing’ dressed as a pineapple.”
The hosts didn’t think much of the N.F.L. team’s long-awaited new name. Jimmy Kimmel pointed out that it’s also the name of the president’s dog.
“You know you’ve been around a long time when you debuted the same year as ‘The Thong Song,’” Jimmy Fallon joked on Tuesday.
“And like many exes, he really wants a second chance. But instead of promising to do better next time, he’s threatening to do even worse,” Noah said.
Trevor Noah joked that Biden will nominate a Black woman to replace Stephen Breyer “because he cares deeply about representation and winning Georgia.”
“Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options: either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” Jimmy Fallon said.
Noah said anti-vaxxers gathering to hear from Kennedy might have found him leaning too liberal for believing in the Holocaust.
“A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks,” Jimmy Fallon said.
“The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls,” Kimmel said, as new details emerged from an investigation into the ex-president’s family business.
“We’re just going to test ourselves for antigens? Is that before or after we mess up the directions on an Easy Mac?” Noah said.
“Thousands of people showed up, because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona,” Kimmel said.
“Finally!” Colbert said. “Up until now, the most serious charge any of these guys has gotten is impersonating a Flintstone.”
“All this time we’ve been listening to the C.D.C., we should have been eating CBD,” Kimmel said of research showing that cannabis compounds can prevent Covid-19.
“I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it,” Colbert said.
“That clip was like watching one of those dumb cable news segments where a reporter willingly gets Tasered just to show everyone how bad it is,” Meyers joked of Cruz’s recent appearance on ‘Tucker Carlson.’
“It’s important to reflect on a day like this,” Colbert said. “There’s a reason Texas’ motto is not ‘What’s an Alamo?’”
Advisers told the former president to push his Jan. 6 news conference to a date that would draw less attention to a low point of his presidency. “So, every day of his presidency?” Stephen Colbert joked.
With the return of remote learning, Colbert says to bring in the mothers-in-law.
Seth Meyers said that living in a world with the Republican congresswoman’s “insane” screaming was “like trying to have a conversation with a friend on the street next to a jackhammer.”
A late-night target throughout his time in office, the former president remained a favorite subject, along with Covid’s ongoing impact and President Biden’s first year in the White House.
As Fox hosts went after President Biden over rising prices, Meyers found their choice of words a little distracting.
Colbert noted that the House voted to hold Mark Meadows in criminal contempt, “and the rest of us can just keep holding him in regular contempt.”
The news that Fox News anchors sent texts on Jan. 6 urging President Trump to speak out against the insurrection while blaming antifa on air was the talk of late night on Tuesday.