Noah said anti-vaxxers gathering to hear from Kennedy might have found him leaning too liberal for believing in the Holocaust.
“A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks,” Jimmy Fallon said.
“The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls,” Kimmel said, as new details emerged from an investigation into the ex-president’s family business.
“We’re just going to test ourselves for antigens? Is that before or after we mess up the directions on an Easy Mac?” Noah said.
“Thousands of people showed up, because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona,” Kimmel said.
“Finally!” Colbert said. “Up until now, the most serious charge any of these guys has gotten is impersonating a Flintstone.”
“All this time we’ve been listening to the C.D.C., we should have been eating CBD,” Kimmel said of research showing that cannabis compounds can prevent Covid-19.
“I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it,” Colbert said.
“That clip was like watching one of those dumb cable news segments where a reporter willingly gets Tasered just to show everyone how bad it is,” Meyers joked of Cruz’s recent appearance on ‘Tucker Carlson.’
“It’s important to reflect on a day like this,” Colbert said. “There’s a reason Texas’ motto is not ‘What’s an Alamo?’”
Advisers told the former president to push his Jan. 6 news conference to a date that would draw less attention to a low point of his presidency. “So, every day of his presidency?” Stephen Colbert joked.
With the return of remote learning, Colbert says to bring in the mothers-in-law.
Seth Meyers said that living in a world with the Republican congresswoman’s “insane” screaming was “like trying to have a conversation with a friend on the street next to a jackhammer.”
A late-night target throughout his time in office, the former president remained a favorite subject, along with Covid’s ongoing impact and President Biden’s first year in the White House.
As Fox hosts went after President Biden over rising prices, Meyers found their choice of words a little distracting.
Colbert noted that the House voted to hold Mark Meadows in criminal contempt, “and the rest of us can just keep holding him in regular contempt.”
The news that Fox News anchors sent texts on Jan. 6 urging President Trump to speak out against the insurrection while blaming antifa on air was the talk of late night on Tuesday.
Colbert couldn’t believe Congress is currently investigating a 38-page PowerPoint document detailing plans to overturn the 2020 election.
The Fox News host joined his network in insisting the company’s burned-down Christmas tree is proof of the war on Christmas.
“The fire is believed to have started after Fox News’ pants caught on fire,” Jimmy Kimmel said.
The two-hour video call was a hot topic on late night Tuesday.
“If you want to get back at China, you have Marjorie Taylor Greene in the stands,” Noah said of the U.S. diplomatic boycott of the Olympics.
Noah said that new strains are like streaming new TV shows: “You gotta stick with it the first couple of weeks and see where it goes.”
Late-night hosts weighed in on Donald Trump’s initial results just three days before his debate with Joe Biden.
Moderna’s chief executive said scientists anticipate Omicron is “not going to be good.” Stephen Colbert called the sentiment “not comforting.”
The latest Covid variant, Omicron, follows Alpha, Lambda and Delta in the Greek alphabet.
“It’s also important to remember these people only hang out with each other because there is no one else who will hang out with them,” Meyers said.
“For those who don’t know, the strategic reserve is a series of caverns filled with fossil fuel and strategically located inside Rudy Giuliani’s head,” Colbert joked.
Jimmy Fallon joked that when the president blew out his candles, “everyone started clapping and the lights went on and off.”
“That’s nearly three and a half years, so with good behavior, he could be out in time to storm the Capitol in 2024,” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday.
Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers reported some of the most interesting items from Jonathan Karl’s new book.
Meyers said Bannon was more like “a coked-up flunky who would get hired to help cousin Greg shred some documents and accidentally screw it up.”
“I haven’t seen such a brutal attack on an elected official since Jan. 6,” Colbert said on Wednesday night.
“He’ll get us there, it’ll just happen very slowly with the blinker on the whole ride,” Kimmel joked of the president and his 38 percent approval rating.
Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Ted Cruz have some bizarre beliefs: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”
As Covid sidelined the Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, Kimmel and other hosts scorned him for implying that he’d been vaccinated.
Stephen Colbert said Democrats are used to being disappointed: “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”
“I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months,” Fallon joked on Tuesday.
“The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods,” Colbert said of President Biden, who visited the Vatican over the weekend.
Trevor Noah said the excision of family leave meant that “America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”
“So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady,” Jimmy Fallon joked of the billionaires’ tax.
Kimmel reminisced about the days when the social media app was “just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme.”
“It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert said.
Noah did an impression of Trump posting on his new social media site: “OK, I shared my truth, now I dare you to hang Mike Pence.”
Stephen Colbert proposed names like “Aunt Brenda’s Three-Paragraph Rant-a-torium” or “Best Fun Times America Website.”
“The Daily Show” host joked that jobs are “how Americans prove that they deserve health care.”
“I’m warning you, Steele. If this turns out to be a false report again, ‘urine’ trouble,’” Colbert said.
“So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday.
“It’s the kind of week you normally post about on Facebook,” Meyers said on Wednesday night.
Colbert joked that the former White House press secretary had titled her Trump tell-all “I Just Recently Grew a Spine.”