“He is super smart, definitely, but he admits that he also loves dumb jokes, so we don’t know how this could turn out,” Trevor Noah said of the Tesla C.E.O.
Prosecutors recovered 18 devices during their current investigation into Trump’s former lawyer. “Eighteen devices? Man, that’s a lot of porn,” Stephen Colbert said.
“Our ex-president isn’t allowed a do-over just because he didn’t like the result the first time. That’s how you get an Eric,” Colbert joked.
“Come on, he’s a con man. And so is Dr. Oz,” Colbert joked of the former president.
Kimmel said of Greene’s angry tweets about a joke he made earlier this week: “She’s a snowflake and a sociopath at the same time — a ‘snowciopath.’”
“Anyone speak shiitake?” Kimmel joked of new research suggesting that fungi communicate.
Stephen Colbert joked that he hoped “they locked the doors to keep him in.”
“Trump endorsing Palin is like paste eating endorsing glue sniffing,” Kimmel joked.
“It’s generally frowned upon for U.S. presidents, current or former, to solicit our murderous mortal enemies for dirt on their political rivals,” Colbert said.
“The only time there should be a seven-hour gap is when you’re trying to remember what happened on St. Patrick’s Day,” Jimmy Fallon said.
“It was so shocking,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “The only thing I can really compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ears.”
Kimmel happily reported that the children’s book Cruz singled out to make a point about race at the Senate hearings for President Biden’s Supreme Court nominee this week became a No. 1 best seller.
A poll found strong support for the judge’s Supreme Court nomination, but “speechmaking and hissy-fitting” continued in the Senate, said Jimmy Kimmel.
“It’s funny listening to the same people who let the president get away with trying to overthrow the government call anyone ‘soft on crime,’ but that’s how it goes,” Jimmy Kimmel said.
Kimmel said Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearings could make the G.O.P.’s worst nightmare could come true: “Having this decided by two Black women whose names they can’t pronounce.”
A Kremlin spokesman pointed the finger back at the U.S. for World War II bombings, and Trevor Noah joked, “Keep up with the times, yo!”
Ukraine’s president must have researched American history before his speech, said Noah (who speculated about how it “could have gone very wrong”).
“Various politicians have been trying to do this for years but they kept getting clock blocked,” Jimmy Kimmel said of the Sunshine Protection Act, which passed Tuesday in the Senate.
Noah joked that Brady’s leaving the N.F.L. was like Charlie Sheen’s leaving “Two and a Half Men”: “Yeah, there were still two and a half men but which men? Not men we cared about.”
Meyers said Florida’s governor was like “an old man who sees a bunch of innocent teens walking by and screams, ‘Hey, you kids get on my lawn!’”
Trevor Noah joked Biden’s speech was “like a birthday card from a 4-year-old: A lot of words didn’t make sense, but you got what it was trying to say.”
“Many lawmakers wore the colors of the Ukrainian flag, blue and yellow,” Colbert said. “It’s a show of solidarity not seen since the last ‘Minions’ movie.”
If bringing back the Soviet Union is Putin’s goal, the “Daily Show” host joked, long lines are a good start.
Hosts did their best to bring levity to their shows on an otherwise somber day.
Meyers joked that Trump “narrates Putin’s every move like he is Tony Romo calling the last drive of a playoff game.”
Colbert said Putin sought to keep the peace, and imitated Russia’s president: “I keep this piece of Ukraine. I keep that piece of Ukraine. I keep all the pieces of Ukraine.”
Noah said Russia has been preparing to play chess while Americans “love dumb games now,” poking fun at a preference for Wordle.
“Only Donald Trump would defend himself against charges that he overvalued his assets by re-overvaluing his assets,” Kimmel said.
“It’s like getting divorced on Christmas Eve,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.
“Hey, don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here doing my thang — a long monologue,” Colbert joked.
Jimmy Kimmel joked that only Giuliani would attempt to overthrow the government “and then try to rehabilitate his image by singing ‘Shake Your Groove Thing’ dressed as a pineapple.”
The hosts didn’t think much of the N.F.L. team’s long-awaited new name. Jimmy Kimmel pointed out that it’s also the name of the president’s dog.
“You know you’ve been around a long time when you debuted the same year as ‘The Thong Song,’” Jimmy Fallon joked on Tuesday.
“And like many exes, he really wants a second chance. But instead of promising to do better next time, he’s threatening to do even worse,” Noah said.
Trevor Noah joked that Biden will nominate a Black woman to replace Stephen Breyer “because he cares deeply about representation and winning Georgia.”
“Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options: either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” Jimmy Fallon said.
“You see? This is what happens when you have been on Zoom calls for two years — you forget that real life doesn’t have a mute button,” Noah said of the president’s comments about a Fox News reporter.
Noah said anti-vaxxers gathering to hear from Kennedy might have found him leaning too liberal for believing in the Holocaust.
“A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks,” Jimmy Fallon said.
“The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls,” Kimmel said, as new details emerged from an investigation into the ex-president’s family business.
“We’re just going to test ourselves for antigens? Is that before or after we mess up the directions on an Easy Mac?” Noah said.
“Thousands of people showed up, because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona,” Kimmel said.
“Finally!” Colbert said. “Up until now, the most serious charge any of these guys has gotten is impersonating a Flintstone.”
“All this time we’ve been listening to the C.D.C., we should have been eating CBD,” Kimmel said of research showing that cannabis compounds can prevent Covid-19.
“I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it,” Colbert said.
“That clip was like watching one of those dumb cable news segments where a reporter willingly gets Tasered just to show everyone how bad it is,” Meyers joked of Cruz’s recent appearance on ‘Tucker Carlson.’
Colbert noted that the House voted to hold Mark Meadows in criminal contempt, “and the rest of us can just keep holding him in regular contempt.”
The news that Fox News anchors sent texts on Jan. 6 urging President Trump to speak out against the insurrection while blaming antifa on air was the talk of late night on Tuesday.
Colbert couldn’t believe Congress is currently investigating a 38-page PowerPoint document detailing plans to overturn the 2020 election.
The Fox News host joined his network in insisting the company’s burned-down Christmas tree is proof of the war on Christmas.