“I had a feeling those two weren’t going to make it to the hometown date,” Jimmy Kimmel joked after the leaders cut their meeting short.
“Biden’s message at these meetings has been simple: America is back. You know, like the McRib, America’s back for a limited time only, offer not valid in Florida,” Meyers joked.
“Backstage passes automatically come with a hush money payment of $130,000. Isn’t that nice?” Jimmy Fallon joked.
“If he ever goes to trial, he’ll just regurgitate a frog that has ‘not guilty’ written on its back,” Meyers joked on Wednesday night.
Kimmel wouldn’t let Senator Cruz call the military “woke” and “emasculated,” so the Texas Republican reminded the comedian of his loss in their 2018 basketball game.
“Senator Paul has been a bit of a skeptic of how bad Covid really is, which is probably why he got Covid,” Colbert said on Monday.
Kimmel agreed with Michael Cohen, the former president’s longtime personal lawyer, who said in an interview that Trump would turn on anyone to save himself.
“You know, when a violent mob attacked our embassy in Benghazi, Republicans in Congress investigated it eight times,” Kimmel said. “A violent mob attacked the U.S. Capitol, they’re like: ‘Tourists! What are you gonna do?’”
“Joe Biden has a Venmo account? How? The dude is, like, 150 years old,” Noah joked, saying he assumed Biden “paid for everything with silver dollars.”
“I’m confused — I thought these guys hated cancel culture,” Kimmel said after the Republicans ousted Cheney from her leadership position in the House on Wednesday.
Jimmy Kimmel called the former president “our own Triple Clown winner” in his monologue about a drug scandal involving the Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit.
Meyers made a “M*A*S*H” reference about the Republican who denounces Donald Trump: “I feel like B.J. Hunnicutt speaking up in support of Charles Winchester.”
“It has been five months since Trump was indefinitely suspended from Facebook for the minor infraction of trying to overthrow the government. I mean, who hasn’t done that?” Trevor Noah said.
The Bidens visited the Carters the other day, and Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers and Trevor Noah are still trying to get their minds around the result.
Federal agents “made sure to show up in daylight, when Rudy was still asleep in his coffin,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday.
“Earth Day started back in the ’70s with very lofty goals and has kind of turned into, ‘Guys, please, just for one day try not to light garbage on or near a panda bear, OK?’” Jimmy Kimmel said.
“As we’ve explained on this show many times before, the culture and system of policing in this country must be dismantled and reformed,” Meyers said on Wednesday.
Kimmel poked fun at Gaetz and his friend Joel Greenberg for making their Venmo transactions public: “One of those ‘salads’ cost more than $1,000 — I guess they added avocado.”
Colbert pointed out that the conflict “has been going on so long, the first ‘Iron Man’ movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan.”
Trevor Noah and Stephen Colbert criticized officers’ use of force against Black men, citing two cases in which traffic stops turned violent.
The “Late Night” host says the president is at his best “when he’s got the vibe of an old-timer football coach giving his young squad an inspirational halftime speech.”
Colbert said guns should require a license, registration, and insurance: “If you move to a new state, you got to do the whole damn thing all over again. And you can’t go out loaded.”
“Hot tip for Miami authorities: If you want young people to stop partying, don’t instate a curfew, just invite a few dads,” Colbert joked.
“Despite vaccines becoming more available, there’s still one thing holding Americans back: Americans,” Colbert lamented on Tuesday.
“At some point we’re going to find out the Statue of Liberty only holds that torch so she can fend him off,” Noah said Monday of sexual misconduct allegations against the New York governor.
“If somebody said ‘N95’ to you one year ago, you’d think they were a bingo caller,” Kimmel joked on America’s “coronaversary.”
Stephen Colbert was puzzled by the British monarchy’s concern about being seen as out of touch: “Because if there’s one thing the palace surrounded by iron spikes looked like before, it was ‘in touch.’”
“You know things are bad at Buckingham Palace if they came to America to get away from racism,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Monday night.
The “Tonight Show” host joked that the Wisconsin Republican could be more detested for at least the 10 hours that Senate clerks read the 628-page stimulus bill aloud, as Johnson demanded.
Colbert poked fun at the group’s latest conspiracy theory that March 4 would be Donald Trump’s true Inauguration Day.
The conference was billed as the largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world, Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “That’s if you don’t count their last gathering” at the Capitol.
Meyers said it shouldn’t be hard for the Manhattan D.A. to find a crime in “the tax records of a guy who claims to be a billionaire, yet paid only $750 in federal income taxes when he was president.”
“I don’t know where the line is between forgiving and being a doormat, but Mike Pence crossed it a long time ago,” Trevor Noah said.
“On Saturday, he posted photos of himself handing out bottled water with the hashtag ‘Texas strong.’ Sure, dude, we totally believe you,” Seth Meyers joked on Monday.
“It’s kind of like ‘The Empire Strikes Back,’” Kimmel said. “We already know how it ends, but we’re watching it anyway.”
“Because only by facing this truth will we have any hope of stopping it from happening again,” Colbert said. “Also, I’m pretty convinced it wasn’t antifa now.”
“This was the first Super Bowl ever where I had to yell, ‘Be quiet — I’m trying to hear the poem!’” Kimmel said.
The congresswoman disavowed some of her outlandish statements. But Noah says she’s “so crazy that her saying that 9/11 happened makes me go, ‘Wait, did it?’”
“His lawyers just copied and pasted his defense from the last impeachment: Control-F ‘Ukraine,’ replace with ‘riot,’” Jimmy Fallon said.
“My God, who on Earth would hire Jeffrey Epstein’s defense lawyer?” Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “Oh, Jeffrey Epstein’s wingman? Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Yesterday, President Biden announced a dramatic change to America’s Covid plan: There is one,” Colbert said on Wednesday.
Trevor Noah says the end of Donald Trump’s term is no reason not to impeach him: “If you get fired at Best Buy, they don’t just let you steal a TV on the way out.”
It’s never easy, “especially when you’re the new manager and the last guy got called into H.R. for inappropriate workplace treasoning,” Stephen Colbert said.
Bee and other hosts were relieved to see the Trump years finally end. “So that’s what it feels like when you’re not grinding your teeth,” Seth Meyers said.
Inauguration Eve is “the day before the day we’ve all been waiting for,” Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday night.
“Normally, after a president’s term, they show before and after photos to prove how much the job aged him. This time, they’re showing before and after photos of all of us,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Monday.
“Impeachment was great, but there really is no more perfect way for this to end than Trump stiffing Rudy,” Seth Meyers said.
“Makes sense — this president loves having seconds,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday.
Jimmy Kimmel wants him out, but admits that “usually when the Senate tries to ram something through that quickly, it’s a conservative Supreme Court justice.”
“It’s a horrifying day that will go down in U.S. history, however much longer that is,” Colbert said after President Trump incited a mob of his supporters to storm the Capitol.