Some senators who wouldn’t consider Barack Obama’s nominee in 2016 are happy to vote on President Trump’s. “Hypocrisy only matters if you have shame,” Seth Meyers explained.
After President Trump seemed to blame liberal states for the Covid-19 death toll, Meyers said he’d done a great job “if you just take out all the people that died.”
“I assume the night started with each of them being roused from a coma,” Colbert said of the uncommitted audience at President Trump’s Philadelphia town hall.
“Wow, Steve Doocy just told the president of the United States, ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you,’” Trevor Noah joked after President Trump announced on-air he’d call into “Fox & Friends” every week and the co-host suggested otherwise.
“It looks like the next long-term residency in Las Vegas will be the coronavirus,” Jimmy Fallon said on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”
“When you see that your team is headed for a huge defeat, you come up with some plays, right?” the “Daily Show” host said.
The “Daily Show” host was amazed to hear the president say he’d downplayed Covid-19 to avoid creating a panic. Panic is “literally his favorite thing,” Noah said.
“Other than the 245 times Trump has actually called someone a loser and a sucker on Twitter, he’d never say anything like that,” Jimmy Fallon joked in his monologue on Tuesday.
“They’re supposed to play basketball, fix racism, sell cereal and date all the Kardashians?” the “Daily Show” host joked on Thursday night.
“Why should we watch their reality show if it doesn’t reflect our reality?” the “Late Show” host asked on Wednesday. “Why subject ourselves to their lies that stick to your soul like hot tar?”
Despite the Republicans’ best efforts, it’s “hard to scare people about the damage Joe Biden could do after the damage Donald Trump has already done,” Noah said.
“Welcome to the convention, everybody,” Colbert said on Monday in an imitation of the president. “Take off your masks and put on your matching Nikes and your MAGA hats. Then drink up our bleach-flavored Kool-Aid.”
The former Trump adviser has been charged with fraud, but the hosts seemed almost as interested in his current look. Seth Meyers called him a “baked-potato Fabio.”
“Trump’s entire list of enemies” addressed the convention on Wednesday, said Jimmy Fallon. “The White House must have restrained him tonight like he was Hannibal Lecter.”
The former first lady’s speech at the Democratic National Convention made quite an impression on Noah and the other hosts.
“I have to say, watching the first night of the convention was very inspiring,” Colbert said. “It gave me hope because it brought me back to where I was four years ago: in a room with other people.”
“At this point, our best shot at Trump attacking Covid is someone telling him the virus ovulates,” Fallon said after the president called Kamala Harris a “mad woman.”
After the president called Kamala Harris “horrible” because of her treatment of Joe Biden at a debate, Trevor Noah said, “I thought this election would be Trump versus Joe Biden.”
The president said mail-in voting could put the election results in doubt. Seth Meyers joked that he sounded like “a loan shark saying, ‘I’d hate to see your thumbs get broken.’”
Noah said he’d be happy to see the president not just carved on Mount Rushmore, but also sent there himself. “No phone, no internet, problem solved,” he joked on Monday night’s “Daily Show.”
Fallon wonders just how far back he wants to push the election: “Months, like your response to Covid? Years, like your response to Putin? Or decades, like a hug for Don Jr.?”
The president said he didn’t ask Vladimir Putin whether Russia paid to have U.S. troops killed. The “Daily Show” host can see why that talk would have been “super awkward.”
“It’s like Crazy Trump was away for a week and then someone said ‘hydroxychloroquine’ three times,” Fallon said after the president shared another dubious video.
The senator’s reference to slavery had Seth Meyers marveling at Republicans’ communication skills: “Seriously, these guys just keep coming up with winners.”
“It was impressive until they asked Trump what he ate for lunch that day and he said, ‘Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV,’” Jimmy Fallon joked after the president once again bragged about his cognitive test results.
The president told Americans that things would get worse and urged them to wear masks. The “Late Show” host said that might have been helpful a few months ago.
This time, the briefings will be short, one official said. Stephen Colbert thinks that’s unlikely, “unless they fit the president with one of those doggy shock collars.”
“Chris Wallace did two things right there that Trump absolutely hates: He proved him wrong, and he made him do homework,” Noah said of the president’s “Fox News Sunday” interview.
President Trump’s demotion of Brad Parscale a few months before the election is “like a jockey jumping off his horse in the homestretch and deciding to run the rest of the way,” said Seth Meyers.
Ivanka Trump posed with a can of Goya beans after the company’s president praised her father. “Sadly, after Ivanka tweeted in Spanish, Trump immediately had her deported,” said Jimmy Fallon.
After the president finally wore a face mask in public, the “Tonight Show” host called it “a really smart move — if today were March 13th.”
“Unfortunately, putting a piece of cloth on your face has become a culture war, thanks almost entirely to our president,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday night.
The Democratic presidential contender leads President Trump in a new poll, but Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers suggested that the former vice president stay in his basement to help ensure a win.
“Yep, Trump visited the wall today, because in time of crisis, it’s important to be with your loved ones,” Fallon joked on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”
“Nothing is more humiliating than when you throw a party and most of the guests don’t show up,” Trevor Noah said on Monday’s “Daily Social Distancing Show.”
“Basically, Trump’s trying to dunk on Obama but Ruth Bader Ginsburg is blocking all his shots,” Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday.
In his memoir, Bolton claims that Trump asked if Finland was part of Russia. Stephen Colbert said that “under President Trump, it feels like we’re kind of part of Russia.”
Some say the president should hold his Tulsa rally outdoors. Fallon expects “food and music and a designated area where you can do your very own Bible photo op.”
“Whoa, is that President Trump or The Flash? Slow down, Usain Bolt,” Seth Meyers joked of the president’s defensive tweet about his descent from a stage at West Point.
The president will campaign in Tulsa, site of a racist massacre, on Juneteenth, a day that honors the end of slavery. “Couldn’t you just not do that?” Fallon asked.
“The Late Show” host blamed Gov. Brian Kemp of Georgia for the state’s botched primary election on Tuesday.
“I feel like Trump is the kind of person who watched the movie ‘Up,’ and he thinks it’s a story about an elderly terrorist who hijacks a balloon house,” Trevor Noah said on Tuesday.
“Every other industry, you know, they have to prove their commitment by hiring thousands of new black people,” said Trevor Noah. “The N.F.L.’s just got to hire one.”
“I guess in Trump’s mind, voting should be like your wife smiling at you: once a year, in public, and never at home,” Noah said after Trump condemned states he alleged allowed voting by mail.
After President Trump told the press he was taking hydroxychloroquine, Kimmel looked up the side effects and decided it must be true.
As Trevor Noah noticed, Barack Obama didn’t mention any names when he criticized the coronavirus response, but supporters of President Trump took offense anyway.
The network that made the careers of Dave Chappelle, Stephen Colbert and Amy Schumer has laid off top executives while looking to make shows that are cheaper to produce.
Dr. Rick Bright said America could be facing its “darkest winter.” “The good news is, it sounds like he’s saying we might make it to winter,” said Kimmel.
Meyers joked that a majority of Americans somehow couldn’t bring themselves to trust a guy who believes Covid-19 “could be cured by eating Lysol wipes out of a salad bowl with a fork and a knife.”
The “Daily Show” host likened reopening the country too soon to an athlete coming back early from an injury: “Now you’re just a gym teacher telling fifth-graders about how you could have gone pro.”