“He is super smart, definitely, but he admits that he also loves dumb jokes, so we don’t know how this could turn out,” Trevor Noah said of the Tesla C.E.O.
Prosecutors recovered 18 devices during their current investigation into Trump’s former lawyer. “Eighteen devices? Man, that’s a lot of porn,” Stephen Colbert said.
“Our ex-president isn’t allowed a do-over just because he didn’t like the result the first time. That’s how you get an Eric,” Colbert joked.
“Come on, he’s a con man. And so is Dr. Oz,” Colbert joked of the former president.
A Kremlin spokesman pointed the finger back at the U.S. for World War II bombings, and Trevor Noah joked, “Keep up with the times, yo!”
Ukraine’s president must have researched American history before his speech, said Noah (who speculated about how it “could have gone very wrong”).
Noah joked that Brady’s leaving the N.F.L. was like Charlie Sheen’s leaving “Two and a Half Men”: “Yeah, there were still two and a half men but which men? Not men we cared about.”
Trevor Noah warned viewers not to get their hopes up: “Not only did Russia not agree to end the war; it wouldn’t even admit that it started a war.”
“Yesterday, Coca-Cola and Pepsi announced that they will suspend business in Russia. Your move, Shasta!” Colbert said.
“Gas prices are so high, the Indy 500 was just changed to the Indy 5,” Fallon joked.
Meyers said the former president’s suggestion that the U.S. paint Chinese flags on planes and bomb Russia was “a slightly stupider version of Bugs Bunny dressing up as a sexy lady to distract Elmer Fudd.”
Meyers said Florida’s governor was like “an old man who sees a bunch of innocent teens walking by and screams, ‘Hey, you kids get on my lawn!’”
Trevor Noah joked Biden’s speech was “like a birthday card from a 4-year-old: A lot of words didn’t make sense, but you got what it was trying to say.”
“Many lawmakers wore the colors of the Ukrainian flag, blue and yellow,” Colbert said. “It’s a show of solidarity not seen since the last ‘Minions’ movie.”
If bringing back the Soviet Union is Putin’s goal, the “Daily Show” host joked, long lines are a good start.
Noah said Russia has been preparing to play chess while Americans “love dumb games now,” poking fun at a preference for Wordle.
“Only Donald Trump would defend himself against charges that he overvalued his assets by re-overvaluing his assets,” Kimmel said.
“It’s like getting divorced on Christmas Eve,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.
“Hey, don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here doing my thang — a long monologue,” Colbert joked.
The hosts didn’t think much of the N.F.L. team’s long-awaited new name. Jimmy Kimmel pointed out that it’s also the name of the president’s dog.
“You know you’ve been around a long time when you debuted the same year as ‘The Thong Song,’” Jimmy Fallon joked on Tuesday.
“And like many exes, he really wants a second chance. But instead of promising to do better next time, he’s threatening to do even worse,” Noah said.
Trevor Noah joked that Biden will nominate a Black woman to replace Stephen Breyer “because he cares deeply about representation and winning Georgia.”
“Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options: either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” Jimmy Fallon said.
“You see? This is what happens when you have been on Zoom calls for two years — you forget that real life doesn’t have a mute button,” Noah said of the president’s comments about a Fox News reporter.
Noah said anti-vaxxers gathering to hear from Kennedy might have found him leaning too liberal for believing in the Holocaust.
“The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls,” Kimmel said, as new details emerged from an investigation into the ex-president’s family business.
“We’re just going to test ourselves for antigens? Is that before or after we mess up the directions on an Easy Mac?” Noah said.
A late-night target throughout his time in office, the former president remained a favorite subject, along with Covid’s ongoing impact and President Biden’s first year in the White House.
As Fox hosts went after President Biden over rising prices, Meyers found their choice of words a little distracting.
The news that Fox News anchors sent texts on Jan. 6 urging President Trump to speak out against the insurrection while blaming antifa on air was the talk of late night on Tuesday.
Colbert couldn’t believe Congress is currently investigating a 38-page PowerPoint document detailing plans to overturn the 2020 election.
The Fox News host joined his network in insisting the company’s burned-down Christmas tree is proof of the war on Christmas.
“The fire is believed to have started after Fox News’ pants caught on fire,” Jimmy Kimmel said.
The two-hour video call was a hot topic on late night Tuesday.
Noah said that new strains are like streaming new TV shows: “You gotta stick with it the first couple of weeks and see where it goes.”
Late-night hosts weighed in on Donald Trump’s initial results just three days before his debate with Joe Biden.
Moderna’s chief executive said scientists anticipate Omicron is “not going to be good.” Stephen Colbert called the sentiment “not comforting.”
The latest Covid variant, Omicron, follows Alpha, Lambda and Delta in the Greek alphabet.
“That’s nearly three and a half years, so with good behavior, he could be out in time to storm the Capitol in 2024,” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday.
Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers reported some of the most interesting items from Jonathan Karl’s new book.
“Prosecutors are recommending 51 months behind bars, after which, he will be remanded into the custody of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’” Kimmel joked.
“I haven’t seen such a brutal attack on an elected official since Jan. 6,” Colbert said on Wednesday night.
Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Ted Cruz have some bizarre beliefs: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”
Stephen Colbert said Democrats are used to being disappointed: “That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.”
“I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months,” Fallon joked on Tuesday.
“The pope telling you you’re a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you’re good at pooping in the woods,” Colbert said of President Biden, who visited the Vatican over the weekend.
Trevor Noah said the excision of family leave meant that “America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”
Kimmel reminisced about the days when the social media app was “just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme.”
“It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert said.